Avengers Game Night: The Newlywed Game
by ChinamiMorimoto
Summary: (Set in the In From the Cold Verse) One Saturday, the Stark Tower extended household-Tony, Pepper, Clint, Coulson, Natasha, Steve, Bucky, Fitz, Simmons, Bruce, Betty, and Maria-play a round of the Newlywed Game. Hilarity insues.


An otherwise uneventful Saturday suddenly turned into spontaneous game night when Tony—bored and of questionable sobriety—announced over the Tower PA, "Hey, partner up and pick team names, I wanna play the Newlywed Game. Dibs on Pepper."

Surprisingly, everyone in the Tower answered the call.

"I don't have any whiteboards lying around," Tony said as he passed out tablets, "but I do have tech. Paint program is already called up, just draw with your finger. Jarv, you'll play gameshow host for us, won't you?"

"Certainly, Sir." If the AI had a face, it would have been smirking.

Once everyone had settled with their tablets, Pepper frowned. "We can't divvy up between ladies and gents. We've got two pairs of guys and then Natasha and Maria."

Clint shrugged. "Easy fix, one out of me and Phil and Cap and Barnes go with the girls, then either Nat or Maria goes with the rest of the guys."

"So partners one are Natasha, Pepper, Betty, Jemma, Barton, and Barnes," Maria proposed. "And partners two are me, Stark, Bruce, Fitz, Coulson, and Steve?"

"Sounds good to me," Pepper said.

"Great!" Tony settled back on the couch. "Ready when you are, Jarvis."

"Of course, Sir. Partners one," Jarvis began, "what really pisses off partner two?"

Fitz laughed as he scribbled his answer on his tablet. "I think that's the closest I've ever heard Jarvis come to cursing."

"I'm partner one," Bucky said to Steve, "so I'm saying what pisses you off, right?"

"Right." Steve nodded. "And I'm saying what pisses me off."

"Right." Bucky started writing.

"So," Pepper said a moment later, "everybody got their answers?"

The group answered in the affirmative.

"What do you think, pisses me off, Pep?" Tony asked with a smile.

She turned her tablet around. "Meetings piss you off."

"Huh. Well, that's true, but..." He turned his tablet around: _being handed things_.

Everyone laughed. Pepper cuffed Tony's ear lightly. He laughed harder. "I hate being handed things!"

"You just play that up for show, dumbass." Pepper rolled her eyes.

"Maybe." Tony wiggled his eyebrows. "Hey, what pisses off Agent?"

Clint snorted and showed his answer: _me_.

"No you don't," Coulson said.

"Are you kidding? Yes I do. Often. I've got it down to a science."

"That's different."

"God, you're exacting." Clint rolled his eyes. "So what _does_ piss you off?"

Coulson turned his tablet around to show a rough but instantly recognizable drawing of the Hydra sigil. Several people dropped their heads into their hands.

"Of course it does," Natasha said before showing her answer. "Lack of punctuality pisses Maria off."

"Eh, that's situational." Maria chuckled and showed hers. "People who make my life more difficult _really_ piss me off."

"Oh, wow, you must really hate me," Pepper laughed.

"No, you give me assignments."

"Hey," Tony interjected, "I give you assignments too."

"You give me suggestions," Maria said smoothly whilst hitting the erase button to clear her answer, "they become assignments when Pepper nods."

"Ouch, that hurts." Tony put a hand to his reactor. "You wound me. Can I retroactively change my answer to 'Maria'?"

"No," Clint laughed. "Wouldn't matter anyway, you still wouldn't get a point."

"No one has a point yet," Natasha noted. "Anybody think they can break the losing streak."

"I do," Betty said and sheepishly held up her tablet: _Getting shot at_.

Bruce hung his head and held up his own: _being shot_.

The group cheered.

"Point to team Gamma Research!" Tony crowed. "And so accurate."

Still cringing through her laughter at Betty and Bruce's answers, Jemma showed her answer: _Fitz hates it w_ _hen the numbers want to be divided by_ _0_.

Clint frowned at her tablet. "What does that even mean?"

"I know _exactly_ what that means," Bruce said.

"Yup," Tony agreed.

"It's a maths/science issue," Fitz said. "And it's infuriating, but—" He held up his tablet: _people assuming I'm Anglican_.

"I have never seen that happen." Jemma cleared her tablet.

"Hang on." Tony leaned forward. "You're _not_ Anglican?"

Fitz made an exasperated noise. "No. I grew up in the Church of Scotland."

"Oh, yeah... I forget that's a thing that exists."

"Americans." Fitz rolled his eyes.

"Americans," Jemma and Natasha agreed in unison.

Pepper shook her head. "Bucky, what pisses off Steve?"

"Bullies." He held up his tablet.

"Yeah, I'm predictable." Steve showed his: _Bullies_.

"Well you only say it to fucking everybody," Natasha noted. "So Gamma Research and Soldierboys tied with one point each?"

"Yup." Maria nodded. "Jarvis, next question?"

"Partner two, how many siblings does partner one have?"

It didn't take long for Tony and Pepper, Fitz and Jemma, and Bruce and Betty to hold up their matching zeros. Pepper, Jemma, and Betty all laughed and high-fived each other.

"Only daughters rule the word," Jemma snickered.

Pepper grinned. "Damn straight."

"I'm also one of you," Maria said. "And I think"—she held up the " _0?"_ written on her tablet—"Natasha is too."

"Nope." Natasha held up her _th_ _ree._ "Youngest of four, only girl."

"Shit." Maria cleared her answer.

"That's not in your file, is it?" Coulson asked.

Natasha shook her head. "Nope."

"I'm putting that in your file."

"Pretty sure they're all dead."

"Considering how many dead people are playing this game right now, I'm still putting it in your file. Anyway," Coulson showed his answer, "I know Clint has one brother."

Clint nodded and held up: _1, Barney._

"Did your parents seriously name a kid Barney Barton?" Tony snickered.

"Yes, they did."

"I _think_ "—Steve started, holding up a _one?_ —"you have a sister."

Bucky nodded. "Mhm."

Maria finished making tic marks on the scorecard she'd started in a smaller window of her tablet. "Next?"

"Partner one," Jarvis was beginning to sound quite amused, "when Partner two was thirteen years old, what did they want to be when they grew up?"

For a moment, the players one just made slightly panicked faces at each other while their partners chuckled at them. Eventually everyone had an answer down. Natasha held hers up. "I think Maria wanted to be president."

"No," Maria laughed, "I wanted to be an astronaut."

"Shit." Natasha cleared her answer.

Pepper grabbed Tony's tablet, laughed, and held them both up: _Better than his dad_ and _Better than my Father_.

"I think you just might have managed that," Bucky said and held up his tablet: _Healthy_.

"Buck!" Steve showed his answer. "I wanted to be an artist."

"You already were an artist!"

"I meant a professional one."

"Hey, people paid you for portraits. And you bitched about your health a lot."

"Not as much as you bitched about my health."

Laughing at the bickering, Betty held up: _a scientist_.

"Actually." Bruce held up: _a Dr._

"Wait, wait, wait," Tony waved a hand, " _that_ kind of doctor?"

"Yes."

"Ah-ha!"

"I did not become that kind of doctor."

"Bullshit you didn't." Betty leaned across to clear Bruce's tablet for him.

"I think Fitz wanted to be an engineer," Jemma said.

"I wanted to be Indiana Jones." Fitz hid behind his tablet.

"Sounds like a good life goal to me." Clint grinned hopefully at Phil and held up his tablet. "G.I. Joe?"

"James Bond," Coulson chuckled.

"I should have known." Clint snorted. "We all suck at this. Jarvis, hit us."

"Partner two, how old was partner one when they had their first kiss?"

"Getting a little personal, there, Jarvis?" Pepper asked playfully.

"I am simply selecting questions at random from the results of an internet search for 'newlywed game questions,' Miss Potts." Jarvis sounded downright smug.

Bucky leaned his head back and rubbed at his temple. "Aw hell..." He let out a breath then pointed at Steve. "You were there."

"Yes I was." Steve patted his shoulder.

Bucky shook his head, shrugged, and put down a number. "Am I the last one?"

"Yes." Steve chuckled and showed his answer: _12_.

"Hey!" Bucky laughed and showed his: _12?_. "I did remember right. Schoolyard bet, wasn't it?"

Steve nodded. Clint snorted. "You lose one?"

"We won." Steve grinned. "The girl lost, so she had to kiss both of us."

"Was that your first kiss, too?" Jemma asked.

"Yes." Steve hung his head, but he was laughing.

"Feel sorry for the girl." Natasha elbowed Maria. "C'mon."

Maria hid behind her tablet as she held it up: _seven?_

"Seven?!" Natasha demanded.

"You did everything young!" Maria countered.

"Not that young." Natasha held hers up. "I was thirteen."

"Shit!" Maria laughed.

"We were actually just talking about this," Fitz said as he and Jemma both held up their answers. "She was eighteen."

"And my automatic reaction was to push the poor boy into a fountain." Jemma blushed.

"Your life is a sitcom, isn't it?" Clint asked.

"No more than yours is." Jemma raised her eyebrows at him.

"Fair enough." Clint shifted and put his feet in Coulson's lap. "I don't think you know this so I'm curious what you think."

"No, you've told me." Coulson turned over his tablet: _15_.

"That was my first kiss with a boy." Clint laughed and held up a _"9"_ that took up the whole screen. "Gradeschool truth or dare." He saluted in the supersoldiers' general direction.

Everyone laughed. Tony and Pepper held up matching sixteens.

"Uh, seventeen?" Bruce said uncertainly.

"Sixteen." Betty shook her head. "It was the day before my seventeenth birthday."

"I knew it was something to do with your birthday..." Bruce muttered.

Maria chuckled as she tallied. "Phil, what is it Thor says? 'Another?'"

"Another." Coulson nodded.

"Oh, lord." Tony laughed. "Remind me to teach him how to play this next time he's planetside. It will be hysterical. And he'll probably go back and teach the rest of Asgard how to play."

"Probably." Maria agreed. "Jarvis, another!"

"Partner one, what would partner two request as a last meal?"

"Oh, that's easy." Pepper rolled her eyes. She waited for everyone to finish before holding up her answer. "Burgers."

"From Burger King," Tony agreed.

Jemma held up her own scribble of _burger?_ Fitz laughed and held up _a really good hamburger_.

Tony reached to punch Fitz's shoulder. "I knew I liked you."

"Something Indian?" Betty ventured.

Bruce held up _aloo matar_. "It is Indian, that should count."

"What the fuck is aloo matar?" Clint asked.

"It's sort of like potato curry but not potato curry."

"Sounds good. I may be being egotistical but I think Phil'd want something I made." He poked Coulson's cheek with his foot.

Shoving Clint's foot away with a smile, Coulson held up: _Clint's cooking_.

"Oh, that's sweet," Pepper said.

"I'd say some kind of casserole and pie," Bucky said.

"Uh." Steve looked down at what he'd written— _shepherd's pie and cherry pie_. "Is shepherds pie a casserole?"

"Yes." Clint snickered.

"Cherry pie?" Tony asked. "Not apple?"

"I don't like apple pie all that much."

"But you're Captain fucking America! You were born on the Fourth of July!"

"And I'm not terribly fond of cinnamon." Steve shrugged.

"I feel so betrayed." Tony made a show of shifting in his seat so his back was to Steve.

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Anyway." She held up her tablet: _something hard to pronounce_.

Maria snorted. "I said ' _something fancy_.' I'm calling that close enough." She ticked up the tallies. "We all got that one, not sure what that says about us."

Natasha leaned over to look at Maria's tablet. "Was that yours and my first point?"

"Yes. I'm at a disadvantage playing with you, you know."

Natasha smiled angelically. "Another question, won't you, Jarvis?"

"Partner one, what is the sexiest item of clothing partner two owns."

Bruce looked slowly up toward the ceiling. "You are not picking these at random."

"Whatever are you implying, Doctor Banner?"

Bruce shook his head. "Just that it's obvious who programmed you."

Clint was the first to share, holding up _my pjs :)_. He'd figured out to change the pen color to purple. Coulson laughed. "I don't own those."  
"Sure you do! They're mine, so they're yours." Clint shoved his partner's shoulder. "What did you say, then?"  
"The tie you gave me."  
"Wow, we're sappy."

Tony made a face. "Neither of you said a suit?"

"I said a suit." Pepper held up her tablet.

"Uh, we sort of agreed." Tony showed his as well. "A suit, _the_ suit. Same difference, really."

Pepper smacked his arm. "The Iron Man suit is not clothing, Tony!"

He just laughed.

Jemma and Fitz both held up _lab coat_ and laughed as well. Clint shook his head at them. "I'm going to have to disagree with the two of you on that. Those dark grey skinny jeans do very nice things to your ass."

Fitz blushed. "Uh, thank you."

Coulson massaged his forehead. "Clint, don't creepily hit on my tech specialist."

"I am not hitting on him, and it wouldn't be creepy if I were. I'm no older than him than you're older than me. I am well within my non-redenbacher rights to compliment his ass."

"And now it is creepy." Fitz blushed harder, prompting Jemma to fan him with her tablet.

"Betty," Pepper said, rescuing Fitz, "what d'you think is the sexiest item of clothing Bruce owns?"

"His tight blue shirt."

Bruce frowned her. "I own a tight blue shirt?"

"The one with the turtle on the tag."

"Oh, that one. I don't think I still have that one, it was too small anyway."

"It was not too small." Betty rolled her eyes. "It was just fitted."

"Whatever you say..." Bruce shook his head and turned over his tablet: _the 'purple shirt of sex' Tony won't stop buying me more of_. "I've got at least seven by now and Tony is insane, I don't know why he insists on calling it that, but I can't argue that it looks good on me." He shrugged.

"It does look good on you," Natasha agreed. "You and Clint both do well in purple. And Maria does very well in that blue satin corset."

"Ooh, yes I do," Maria said. "But that thing doesn't actually belong to me."

"Shit!" Natasha cleared her tablet.

"I said my black negligee."

"Well, that's nice too," Natasha conceded.

"I lent it to Morse one time and she threatened to keep it."

"Yeah, that sounds like Bobbi," Clint muttered.

"Am I the only girl in S.H.I.E.L.D. not in the lingerie lending loop?" Jemma asked.

"No." Natasha snickered. "It's a pretty exclusive loop. Lemme know if you ever need a garter belt though, I've got a drawer full."

Bucky cleared his throat and held up his tablet. "I said Steve's uniform."

"Yeah, that's the only thing I could think of," Steve agreed, showing the same word on his tablet.

"It's a good call," Maria said. "There are whole songs about the sexiness of men in uniform."

"It's also an entire genre of porn," Clint added.

Coulson dropped his face into his hand. "Clint..."

"What?"

"Nothing." Coulson sighed. "What's the score?"

"Soldierboys in the lead with five," Maria read off from the scorecard she was keeping. "Labrats and Pepperony tied for second with four each. Gamma Research's got three, BowTie two, and S.H.I.E.L.D. Girls bringing up the rear with one measly point because I'm playing with the Mistress of Mystery."

Natasha snickered. Maria cuffed the redhead's shoulder. "You know we lose together, right?"

"Yes." Natasha laughed more.

Pepper shook her head. "We're six questions in now, right? Doesn't that put us at the bonus round?"

"Oh." Maria looked at the scores. "Yeah it does."

"Bonus questions are worth double, according to most guidelines I'm able to find," Jarvis provided helpfully. "Shall I ask the first bonus round question now?"

"Go for it, Jarv!" Tony cracked his knuckles.

"Partners two, describe your partner with a song. Partners one, describe yourself with a song. For clarity's sake I suggest including the name of the band or artist as well."

"Well, this is hard," Natasha mused.

"Not for me," Tony chirped brightly.

After much hemming, hawing, and banging of heads against tablets, everyone had answers down. Pepper elbowed Tony. "Since you seem so sure…." She flipped over her tablet: _Run the World (Beyoncé)_.

Tony whooped. "Yes!" He proudly displayed his matching answer. "Beat that!"

"Oh, we'll try." Maria shrugged and turned her answer over. "I gave up and went with Alice Cooper's 'The Black Widow.'"

"Lame." Natasha clicked her tongue in playful disappointment. "'Marry the Night,' Lady GaGa."

"That fits, I shoulda thought of it."

"You really should have. Coulson, go."

"Almost positive this isn't what he put, but—" Coulson flipped his tablet around to show _P!nk, Fuckin' Perfect._

"Aw, that's sweet." Clint gave him a warm smile. "And you even spelled her name with an exclamation point."

"Not what you put?"

"Not what I put." Clint turned his answer around: _Goodbye to the Circus (Aqua)_.

The group laughed. Bucky shot Steve a look. "Think you've got this?"

"Think I might." Steve chuckled. "Hope so, since we had this conversation, what, Wednesday?"

"Yup, Wednesday."

As one, the soldiers turned their tablets over: _March of the Hookers_ _(Blair Crimmins)_ and _Blair Crimmins and the Hookers, March of the Hookers._

"I told you that song reminded me of him!" Natasha shouted across the group at Clint, who held up his hands defensively.

Steve and Bucky high fived each other.

As the group quieted again, Bruce held up his tablet. "That Beach Boys song about Daddy taking the T-bird away?"

Betty raised her eyebrows at him. "Seriously, Bruce?"

"It was all I could think of! What did you say?"

"Thomas Dolby, 'She Blinded Me With Science.'"

"Yeah, that's _much_ better." Bruce cringed.

"Well, Betty," Fitz said, "I hope Jemma thinks like you 'cause, I couldn't remember who it's by but I also said 'She Blinded Me With Science.'"

"Aw, unfortunately, I do not think that much like Betty. I said 'I'm Alive' by Becca."

"I have never heard of that song." Fitz looked around at the group. "Has anyone heard of that song other than Jemma?"

"Me." Clint raised his hand. "Got it off an anime I got a crappy bootleg DVD of one time. Good song, I like to jog to it. One of those 'yeah, I can totally take over the world today' songs."

Jemma made a gesture of vindication. Fitz elbowed her. She elbowed him back.

"Last question, Jarvis?" Maria requested.

"Partners one, how many kids would your partner like to have?"

Answers were written much more quickly than they had been for the previous question. Jemma offered hers first. "Two kids?"

Fitz shook his head and showed his tablet. "Just one. Maybe, _maybe_ after that I'll think about a second."

"Careful," Coulson warned, "or you'll end up like my eldest sister. She wanted a kid. She and her husband had a daughter. Daughter wanted a sibling, they decided that, sure, two kids sounded good. Had another girl. Then they thought they could deal with one more kid, no problem. They got triplets."

"Five kids?" Fitz had gone pale.

Coulson nodded. "Five."

"I think I'd die."

"And on that cheery note—" Clint showed his answer: _3_.

"Oh, no. Two," Coulson said firmly. "That way girls can't outnumber boys or vice versa."

"Preach," Natasha called. "I know Maria doesn't want kids." She held up a big, red zero.

Maria held up _cat_.

Natasha just about growled. "'Cat' is not a number, Hill!"

"Actually," Tony calculated on his fingers for a second, "in base-thirty it's eleven thousand, one hundred and twenty nine."

Maria nearly choked. "Nope, nope, I want zero kids. I'm with Fitz on the whole I'd die thing. Do not want eleven thousand children."

"Neither does Tony." Pepper side-eyed him and held up her own zero.

"Yeah," Tony flipped up his congruent answer, "me trying to parent sounds like a bad idea."

"I dunno." Betty laughed lightly. "I think mad scientists are good dad material." She looked at Bruce. "And last time we talked about it, so did you. Still want two kids?"

"Doubt I'll ever have them but, yeah, two kids."

"You have them and I'll happily fill them up with sugar, teach them how to make stink bombs, then give them back." Tony put his feet on the coffee table. "Old Man Winter," he barked at Bucky, "How many kids d'you think Capsicle wants?"

"Four," Bucky said. "He's always wanted four."

Tony looked borderline terrified. "Steve, tell me he's misremembering."

"No." Steve laughed and showed the _4_ he'd drawn. "Four sound good to me. Honestly, if I had the time and money to do right by 'em, I wouldn't mind more."

"Behold the generation gap, ladies and gentlemen," Clint said. "That all the questions?"

"Yes, Agent Barton, it is," Jarvis replied.

"Well, we lost," Natasha said.

"No, actually," Maria said. "Well, if we assume cat equals zero then, no, we're just barely ahead of BowTie but if cat is not equal to zero then, yeah, we're dead last. Next it's Labrats with Gamma Research just ahead of them. Pepperony and Soldierboys are way ahead of the rest of us but super close to each other. In the end, winning by a single, solitary point, we have—" she paused for effect "—the Soldierboys."

There was a round of applause. Steve laughed. "Great! What do we win?"

"No idea!" Maria shook her head.

"How 'bout I cook dinner?" Clint offered. "Will that do?"

"Yes." Bucky grabbed Clint's wrist. "Yes please."

The whole group laughed.


End file.
